If Only, And, But
by Krysnel Nicavis
Summary: If only things had been different and their parents had made different choices… But…


**Title:** If Only, And, But…  
 **Fandom:** Supernatural  
 **Characters:** Dean Winchester, Castiel  
 **Prompt:** Destiel Writers and Readers (January 2017) Quotations Challenge. Week 4: "Forgiveness. Can you imagine?" – Hamilton, It's Quiet Uptown  
 **Word Count:** 717  
 **Rating:** K+  
 **Genre:** Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Family, Friendship  
 **Summary:** If only things had been different and their parents had made different choices… But…  
 **Author's Notes:** Season 12 spoilers.  
 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing …

* * *

His mother was back. She was really, physically, honest to Chuck, no-one-made-a-deal-so-no-one-is-gonna-die back. And it was great, no it was _phenomenal_. His mother, the same mother who had died on a burning ceiling thirty-three years prior in Lawrence, Kansas. She was here and _alive_ and… leaving.

She left.

And he gets it. He does. He wants her back, the way he remembers her, too. The stay-at-home baking apple pies and making meatloaf, never heard of hunting, never known about the real bad lurking in the world, perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect… But nothing _is_ perfect. None of them are perfect. He'd put her on a pedestal, way up high in the clouds, all these years. Canonized her in his mind. But…

But.

Sammy just doesn't get it. Not about what their mom's going through, but what Dean is. Not really. Yes, she needs her space. Yes, she needs time, away from them, to process it all, to come to terms with everything in her life that's changed in the _three decades_ that have passed since she last opened her eyes. She needs space. She needs time.

But so does he.

He needs time, not only to come to terms himself with having her back and everything it means, or reconciling his image of her with the real thing, or realizing they'll never get all those missed years back…

But… _if only_ …

"If only what, Dean?" Castiel asked as he sat next to Dean on the floor of the human's bedroom, backs pressed against the bed.

"If only she hadn't made that deal with Azazel…" Dean asked with a self-depreciating smile. Castiel did that tilty-headed, squinty-eyed, frown thing that Dean manfully didn't find adorable in the slightest. "That's what started this whole thing in the first place. She made a deal. A deal she didn't even understand, didn't even bother to check the fine print. She just…" Dean's voice choked off and he squeezed his eyes shut. When he reopened them and turned back to Castiel, they were glassy with emotion. "If she hadn't, Azazel wouldn't have come for Sammy that night. She wouldn't have died. She wouldn't have left us. And Dad…" He looked away again, staring ahead at nothing.

No, Castiel realized, not nothing. He was staring at his past. At shadows of what had long since become his own personal history. And Castiel… completely understood. For once he could completely comprehend something that was so intrinsically human… because he felt it too.

 _If only…_

If only Michael had not been so bitter about Father leaving and become so intent on starting the Apocalypse… If only Lucifer had not been so angry at Father for his insistence that they love humanity… If only Father had forgiven Lucifer's transgressions and allowed him the free will he'd allowed humanity, instead of casting him aside and leading to the First Rebellion. Leading to Michael being tasked with casting his own brother into the depths of Hell. Throwing Heaven into chaos. Driving Gabriel away… If only Father had never left…

If only Father hadn't simply abandoned them…

"Choosing not to be a 'helicopter parent' is one thing," Castiel assessed. "Simply leaving and… and _hoping_ we'll get it together, get it right… without guidance…" Castiel took a calming breath. "He knew. He _knew_ what was happening with us. He knew we were floundering and that we weren't _learning_ anything… He _knew_ what they did to us. And he _let_ Naomi-" Castiel cut himself off when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Slowly, he realized that everything in the room was vibrating. He took another breath and squeezed his own eyes shut. Everything stopped trembling around them and his shoulders sagged.

If only…

…

…

…

But…

If none of that had ever happened. If the choices their parents had made were even a little bit different…

"But… _if_ they'd chosen different…" Castiel began. "We wouldn't be sitting here. Right now." He reached out and gently rested his palm on top of Dean's hand, wrapping it in his fingers.

"And that would completely suck," Dean replied, looking into Castiel's eyes and turned his hand over so that their fingers laced together.

Yes, she needs her space. And yes, she needs time. But so does he. He needs time and space to forgive her.

-30-

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 **Deleted Scene:**

"If she hadn't made that deal, you wouldn't be here," Castiel pointed out. "Your father would have died and you would never have been made."

Dean huffed. "D'you really believe that?" He looked at Castiel. "I mean, really believe it?" Castiel frowned in confusion. "Knowing what we know now, do you really think Michael and his Dick Squad would have allowed me, and Sammy, to _not_ exist?" They sat in silence, staring into each other's eyes. "After all the trouble they went through to get them together, to make them soulmates… Do you really think they wouldn't have found another way?"

Castiel sighed. "No. But we didn't know that then. _She_ couldn't have known that then."

"In my head, I know that. I know all of that… but…" Dean breathed a shuddering sigh.

"But it still… hurts." Dean nodded and stared straight ahead.

* * *

 _Completed: January 30, 2017_


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